Thoughts.......

Everywhere I go I hear the same thing and I know that people mean well. I know they are trying to encourage me. I know that. They say, "I don't know how you do it." "I just couldn't"......"isn't it hard to give them back???"

Friends, Yes, Yes, and Yes. and Yes again. It is SO hard. SOOOOOO hard. Anyone who read my post after M left knows I was a hot mess. That baby was loved by us and I mean LOVED by our whole big extended family. We grieved. We cried. I obsessed. I am sorry to my friends who walked that with me, but forever grateful for the grace they extended me.

You know what is harder..........

~ being born addicted
~ going through withdrawal in a nicu sometimes alone
~ somehow getting to go home and then being left in a crib or a bouncy seat so long the back of your    head is flat while your parents are strung out on drugs
~ being taken from the only people you know and dropped at the door of a stranger with a trashbag of
   hand me down clothes from CPS that probably are ugly and don't fit
~ not being fed
~ not being bathed
~ not being held
~ not being told "I LOVE YOU....." over and over and over again
~ not being rocked
~not being sung to
~ being physically abused
~ being in a home with scary people who do scary things
~ being separated from your siblings

I could go on and on. That is worse. That is worse than any pain we may ever feel when a child leaves our house.

I know you mean well when you say these things to me, but if you know a foster family, how about instead of saying that say something like.....

~ Do you need anything?
~ I will pray for you. Friends, can I just say that we need it. This is a stressful undertaking and the impact can be brutal on our family at times. On our marriages. Pray for us.

Maybe drop a box of diapers at the door. Bring a little gift that they can take with them so they know they were thought of. Someone cared. When Braxton got gifts I would write on the gift who it was from and he still gets them out and says, "do you remember who gave this to me?" Let me tell you...he does.

We love what we do.  I don't think about her going home today because she isn't going home today. I just do today.

We have had so many friends bless us. Friends who have given us countless items and friends who have taken time to go get fingerprinted so they can babysit. We are so thankful!!! And, I am not mad or upset when people ask me those things. I really am not. I just feel like we need to think about the alternative. Their alternative.

I might be the old lady with a baby on my hip, but we are okay with that :).

An Update on Baby Girl

I am counting down days until court trying to soak in all the sweetness, all the expressions, sounds, the adorable curls on this baby as I prepare mentally that she might go home in 9 days. She was supposed to go home a couple of weeks ago and court was cancelled the evening before. More time. I am so glad we got more time even if it somewhat felt like we are delaying the inevitable.

I know in my heart this little one has a parent who can and very much wants to take care of her. I don't necessarily know exactly how that is going to happen, but in my heart I do feel like they are meant to be together. When we met the first time in that small room to go over the case Jeremy and I told them we were rootin' for them. We meant it then and we still mean it, but now our hearts are attached to this girl we have taken care of and since I have already sent her back once I know what to expect which almost makes it worse.

Foster care is so tricky. You treat them and love them like your own, but they are not your own. It sounds so strange, but it really is easy to forget as you go about your day. Then there is a visit and you remember.

We have shared meals with her parent. We have exchanged hugs and genuinely want him to succeed. We care for him and just like B's Dad, we now love this guy too. As much as I like him and want him to succeed in parenting...I am going to ache for that girl.

My kids have been great foster siblings. B did a project at school of a house and they gave out little smiley face circles for each family member. He had 6 and asked for another for her. When she is not at our house he tells me to go get her. He told me yesterday that he thinks she should stay with us. Pray that he will not be too confused about all of this.

Last week we picked up M from a visit and the girls noticed how sad her dad was driving away. I think that was a good thing because they want them to be together.

Jeremy and I joke and say we might die a little earlier and we both feel like M has aged us a bit. We only get one full night of sleep a week...when she is on her overnight. Last night we left a party early to take a quick pre-M coming back nap :). She has some pretty bad anxiety at night. Jeremy told me he thought he was done with babies, but when the call for her came I texted him (he was traveling) "5 month old girl". He texted back, "sure". This is why I love the man. And so every night we get up with this little one...sometimes every hour to give her a little reassurance that we are still here. I will miss that. So much. Last Friday our pediatrician told her Dad to let her cry it out. As soon as we walked out of the room I told him I don't let her cry it out and he doesn't need to either. Judge if you want, but this baby is so stinkin' confused. If she is scared at night we hold her. If she is hungry we feed her. If she is not sure how to get back to sleep we help her.

I know they say in foster care you never know for sure until the judge says it. I am 99% sure she will go home in October and probably in about 9 days. It sounds like we will still get to see her some. Oh, I am hoping!

When I sit and think about her start in life I get sad. I don't know what her story will be. I am so thankful I didn't cave to fear when we got her call. I was scared to do this again. It is scary to love and let go. I am clinging to the promises in God's Word. I am finding so much encouragement from the song, "He is With Us" by Love and Outcome.

Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when you wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend to see the ending or what's coming up ahead
To know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close to the One who knows

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

{Love this part........I know there is purpose in all of this}
We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more than to have us close


Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
We're not afraid

I plan on spending the next week full of joy and not dread!! I am so thankful I got to be this girls Foster Mom. I don't know what our role in her life will continue to be, but I know that there is meaning and purpose for her time in our home. We have been blessed by her. She is a treasure.

My Sign

I read an article today about how we see and treat people and I can't stop thinking about it. If we really knew what people were dealing with would we approach things differently in how we think, act, react??

I really (like really) try to be positive. I am a glass half-full person in most cases. I try to figure out how to fix things and make things better. Sometimes, though, life is hard and things are going on around us....we can't make people happy or fix this situation etc....

I was thinking about what my sign would say if I was really being honest.

So, in the spirit of being real, here is my sign -

Really, I am doing my best and often I feel like it's not quite enough.

Like today when I made it to lunch duty just on time with food for my kids and I was feeling like I had pulled it together pretty well considering Jeremy is out of town and I had to get 5 kids out the door by 7:30. I was excited about my new striped shirt from Gap and the fact that I actually had a necklace to match. I thought my fashion conscious 3rd grader would be impressed. I was doing good until the secretary walked in the cafeteria and asked if I meant to leave my cars in the van door. No, no, I didn't mean to do that......

Speaking of Jeremy being out of town. He does that....often. And it's hard. I miss him. The kids are off when he leaves and then we get in our groove and he comes home and we are off again trying to get in our other groove. Can anyone relate?

My sign would also say......

I'm dealing with some issues with some of our kids. Some behavior, some academic, some heart issues. We have them.....they do and I do. Seriously friends....I didn't even know I had some of these issues until God graced me with children who have stretched me in ways I never knew I needed stretching.

One of the issues we are dealing with leaves me wondering why this kid has to have one more thing to deal with.

Then there is the kid that is easy and I wonder if I give her enough because she doesn't really have a lot going on! I know.....crazy!

Oh, and, the baby. The sweet, sweet baby. She screams when I am out of her sight. She doesn't sleep much. I'm kind of tired and I am averaging 2-3 home cooked dinners a week. I have become good at pretending I cook :). Hooray for the pre-home-made meals at Sams and DLM.

I love fostering. I love, love, love having her here. I would do it again in a second. Our kids love it. The other day we had lunch with the baby's Dad and my kids just talked his ear off like this is normal. Love that. It is hard though. Really, really hard. Heavy and heartbreaking, but worth it.

Lots of people around me are hurting deeply and I hate it. I want them all to feel better and I want them to have good, happy lives. Makes me long for Jesus.

I love people! I love friends. I want so bad to be a good, true friend. I find myself frustrated that I have messed up a couple of friendships and neglected others. I have good intentions...I promise. I am not great at returning calls or listening to voicemail. I am trying to do better. Sometimes I say things I regret and I have learned the hard way that you can't take back your words.

I love my life. I love the good, the hard....all of it. I love my people. I want so bad to pour into them and sometimes that's all I've got. Enough for them. But, I know that someday I will look around and have a clean house and lunch dates and I won't be walking around with two missing acrylic nails :). My life right now keeps me constantly begging the Lord for grace and for strength. I think that is how it should be though. In the easier times I let myself think I am doing okay when really it's not me at all.

So, that is that. I am doing my best :). I know you are too!! I hope that I am a bit more mindful of what other's signs might say.

It's a Girl!!

Last Tuesday we got a placement call for a baby girl. We said YES and she arrived at our door a couple hours later. I did a quick run to Target and picked up a cute new blanket for her, a few bottles and diapers while I waited for her to get here. The caseworker brought her in and was here all of 10 minutes. She is precious. She came with a little bag with a few things and that was that. Things are going well. She has adjusted to our home and seems happy. We are absolutely loving having her here. It is fun to have a baby girl again. We are hopeful for a quick reunification and just enjoying each day with this precious girl!!

Happy 3rd Birthday, Buddy!! (A couple months late!)

I realized today that I have a whole lot less "real" pictures and a whole lot less blog post about my littlest boy, Miles Braxton. So, while this post is incredibly late, I am going to write it anyways.

My boy turned three the last week of February and on that day my Grandmother also passed away. I didn't throw a big party, but we did do lots of celebrating!

I can't put into words how much I LOVE this little boy. He is the sweetest, most cheerful little guy I have ever met. He is affectionate and enjoys life to the fullest. He has the biggest brown eyes and is just adorable. He gives THE BEST HUGS.

As I walk around running errand holding hands with this little guy I just think to myself, "How did I get so lucky?" I don't believe in luck, but I just feel overwhelmed at times that I get to be his MOMMY! He is a total gift to me and to our family. The kids like to ask him who his favorite is and he will answer whoever ask at the time. He loves them all so much.

He is the perfect baby of the family and loves the days when all the others are at school and he has me all to himself. He talks all.day.long and I remind myself that this is what we prayed for when we didn't think he'd ever talk! Ha!

This boy is a miracle. He continues to amaze me. Thank you God for having your hand on his precious life.

I love you, buddy.....more than I can ever put into words.

XOXO,
Mommy

Family Pics

We had our first set of family pictures taken since MB's adoption. Our friend, Kate, did a great job!! We love them and can't wait to get them hung.

 

 

Jake is turning 10 next month!!

 

 

Cara will be 8!

 



 

Abby (my baby girl) will be 6!

 

And, my sweet, silly, wild little guy is 2 1/2.

 

 

I think he is the cutest little thing around! He is equally as fun (most of the time).

He is rather loud lately ;)

 

He likes to keep his fanclub happy by acting silly! When they laugh he is thrilled

and does whatever caused the laughing repeatedly...kinda like his big bro!

 So glad they have each other!

 

 

I love my people!

A Post, A Post!!

Did you think I had completely given up on the blog?! We just had such a fun and full summer!

I do feel bad that I haven't recorded our memories anywhere and the kids love to look back at the blog and read the stories and look at the pictures, so let me try to do a quick summer recap :).

Most of our days were spent at our favorite spot!! The POOL!

Jake did swim team and enjoyed it very much. 

We met Junie B. Jones!!

The boys used some frequent flyer miles and took a quick trip to Disney!!

Our cousins came to visit and we played at the park.

I ran my first 5K!! It was a fun time with family and friends raising money for orphans in Honduras!

We went to B's first baseball game with friends!

We had lots of snowcones

We looked for bugs

We celebrated the 4th of July with friends and family!

We did respite care 3 times for sweet baby D! Cara is the baby whisperer. He LOVED her!!

We had so much fun!! I loved every day with all of my kiddoes home. 

B grew so much and had such a blast at the pool with his friends. Now he is going to preschool one day a week and 2 of his buddies are there too! 

Tomorrow I will blog about our back to school start. So far it is off to a great start!